Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Just when one wound has almost closed, I have another forming and it just seems to be a string of
never ending pain. Does it really have to be like this? Why can't I have a conflict free life God? One which is boring where I can be happy in my own bubble of a world? I guess what I am asking for is ridiculous and impossible. But many a time I have wished for thus.
Perhaps its my own issue. I really do not know how to interact with people. I find it hard to keep myself in check. Going overboard and enjoying it. Words exchanged, fingers burnt and ultimately one heck of a mess of broken relationships to clear. Once the mess is formed, its very difficult for me to try or even bring myself to put the pieces together. It just eats me away bit by bit. I try to divert my attention to other things to numb out the throbbing which leaves me moody, tired and a headache. I know that things need to be resolved but I just can't get over it.
It does not end with one, it continues as the previous hurt gets transmitted into my other interactions and its like a slippery slope. I really want to shut myself up in a place where there is only myself. Better to be alone till I can interact properly with people again. Perhaps not spending as much time with people is better as there is a lesser chance of stepping on toes. I really don't know how to get my perception across and my unique way of doing things.
I think its just me and God you really need to take the wheel. Before I wreck this car of mine. How do you not lose yourself amidst change? I don't know how to do it, to me its two extremes and I don't know how to proceed. The one thing that would most likely take me down into the pits would be conflicts and relationships gone awry. It is something I can't avoid, that's life but I do wonder if it can hurt less.
My mind is like cotton candy now, the kind gone bad and I think a good time of rest is in order before I even think of trying to set things straight and battling the exam monsters.
I commit this verse unto your hands God:
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.Psalms 71:20I hope I get out of this rut, I hate it when I am like this. Moody and all.
I want joy and a peace of mind.
And a conflict free life. I guess that's too much to ask isn't it?
